First Love, First Day
As a child
Lonely and afraid I’d walk long, to escape
Talking to God my comfort
As I cried myself to sleep, I felt He was there
It was all a bit vague,
A bit unreal
A Child, with Childlike understanding
It’s hard to find the love when a mother’s heart turns violent
The woundings are driven deep, self blame inevitable
I must have been a horrid child
For a mother not to love
I believed I deserved it somehow
I was told I did
With fist and foot
With tongue and touch
With scratch and burn
I felt safe with God, or at least the idea of Him
After dad died, I left to live in the nurses’ home of my training hospital
I stayed dutiful as a daughter
But began to taste freedom and mutual respect
I found God again at the Nurse’s Christian Fellowship.
And that closing year of my Childhood,
Brought me to firmer ground
It was in Devon, Exeter, a Christian Retreat House,
I was there with a friend
But after three short hours I was ready to leave
I couldn’t take all the love!
It was such a shock.
To be thrust into a household so abundant in open, genuine, God inspired affection
I just wanted to run and hide.
That encounter with such a loving body of Christ;
The full torrent of pure love
Took my breath away
I had no idea what to do with it.
I stayed
Eventually, instead of hiding
I held wide my arms and asked for more,
I gave my tattered life
My bruised heart
My fragile Self
…to God
He received it as a treasure
He reunited me in Spirit
He restored me
He made me whole
But God had always been there
Giving and giving and giving
He had Collected all my Tears,
Kept Safe the Fragments of the Broken
His Hand had Sheltered my spirit from wounding
He had Shrouded the sails of my Hope
In the breath of His Spirit they filled once more
Instantly I knew and recognised the Companion of my Soul
Instantly I longed for more
Instantly I found Him
And I was found of Him
The day that followed was incredible,
Something so special happened,
I still revel in the Joy of it
I still thank God for every step of it…
… to be continued
Words and Pictures © Denise Stanford 2010
