No Longer Normal
I house an unwelcome guest that is loud and rude
I ought to ignore him but I cannot
He brought bad habits with him
Nausea, dizziness, pain, trembling, clumsiness, brain-fog, neediness,
They are now mine
all blocking the pathways of ‘normal life’.
I fight it
but some days I just want to curl up and…give in to it
I know, I’ve become Self-centred, with no room for Compassion,
But it takes over it, really does and truth is I’m flat out scared most of the time.
There I’ve said it… well written it any way!
I am powerless to buck up, knuckle down, press on or pull myself together.
Every aspect of life caves into this black hole
I had hoped,
I had imagined my healing creating a tidal wave of revival
I read and re read Scriptures, so many healings
And I pray, “Lord let it be unto me” – but my condition persists.
Some point accusingly – saying
‘God judges you unworthy of His touch
For Scripture says He will heal at asking’
It’s true Scripture says something like that
So why doesn’t He always heal?
If it comes to that why do Christians die at all?
I confess sin, only to sin again.
How to plug a leaky bucket?
Why God?
Why Me?
Well… Why not?
What arrogance to think somehow as Believers, we deserve better,
That somehow it is fair that we rise above the human condition
What arrogance to think I know better than God
What arrogance to think health is a right given to the
Sanctified, Holy and Worthy
I Love God and I Believe Him
When I became ill did I cross some kind of line in the sand,
Suddenly, Miraculous Healing is needed to drag me back across the line
before I am forever lost?
As if Instant Healing is the only way God Blesses
It’s time Christians became bold with the truth
We are corrupt, dying even as we live
We will get sick
Physical death has no bearing on Strength of Faith
or the Reality of God and His Kingdom Living
Miraculous Healing happens
I testify to that
But do we need signs and wonders
When we already have Him?
If not ‘healed’ am I lost forever?
Not So
I stand upon His Promise
I Accept His terms and conditions
I am in this with Him
God loves me
He asks that I love Him
And I do
I do
I really do
Therefore there must be something more to this
He says be self responsible,
Do the best you can with what you have
Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
This I have done
The rest is all Battle
From The Fall I am fractured
That rift between Creator and created
Brought corruption and decay
Jesus Christ provides a Way
He healed the rift,
His Spirit guides us through.
I don’t believe God planned this for me but He knew it was coming
Sometimes it hurts to think God said, ‘Let it be so’
I don’t always understand
I don’t always like it
But Every day
I see deeper into God’s Love,
He weeps with me
He desires to have me in His ear,
To have Relationship with me,
To help me Rise above
To see Life as so much Beyond this world, this realm
It blows my mind to think perhaps
He trusts my faith
Healing happens
Miraculous, earth-shaking healing does happen
And it may yet happen in me,
He has my permission to just go ahead
But there is another kind of healing
FREEDOM
To Become Dearly Beloved
To move within this situation in spite of it
To move beyond the Imprisonment of life in flesh alone
It is Liberation of spirit in Spirit
To Walk with Him through it all
Knowing He walks with me, works with me shoulder to shoulder
Holding my hand sometimes Carrying me
And forgives me when I mess up
There is something in the Experience, in the Endurance
that cannot be explained in Words
God knows so much more than we do
Surely
Easter teaches us that
For those looking on I know its tough
But please don’t look away
Stay, sit in the mud with us sometimes
Pray for Blessings and Rejoice,
anoint with soothing words, not sympathy – empathy
For those of us called to The Difficult Way
He hides Treasures in Darkness
He Promises that we will find them
He trusts us with the trial
As we keep our eyes on Him
As we trust Him
As we Lean in closer
Close enough to hear His whispers
We Discover
Facing the Struggle
Life is…
No longer normal
Words and Pictures © Denise Stanford 2010
Inspired by Isaiah 45 v 3 and Chronic Illness
Within the Vine 