No Longer Normal

I house an unwelcome guest that is loud and rude

I ought to ignore him but I cannot

He brought bad habits with him

Nausea, dizziness, pain, trembling, clumsiness, brain-fog, neediness,

They are now mine

all blocking the pathways of ‘normal life’.

I fight it

but some days I just want to curl up and…give in to it

I know, I’ve become Self-centred, with no room for Compassion,

But it takes over it, really does and truth is I’m flat out scared most of the time.

There I’ve said it… well written it any way!

I am powerless to buck up, knuckle down, press on or pull myself together.

Every aspect of life caves into this black hole

I had hoped,

I had imagined my healing creating a tidal wave of revival

I read and re read Scriptures, so many healings

And I pray, “Lord let it be unto me” – but my condition persists.

Some point accusingly –  saying

‘God judges you unworthy of His touch

For Scripture says He will heal at asking’

It’s true Scripture says something like that

So why doesn’t He always heal?

If it comes to that why do Christians die at all?

I confess sin, only to sin again.

How to plug a leaky bucket?

Why God?

Why Me?

Well… Why not?

What arrogance to think somehow as Believers, we deserve better,

That somehow it is fair that we rise above the human condition

What arrogance to think I know better than God

What arrogance to think health is a right given to the

Sanctified, Holy and Worthy

I Love God and I Believe Him

When I became ill did I cross some kind of line in the sand,

Suddenly, Miraculous Healing is needed to drag me back across the line

before I am forever lost?

As if Instant Healing is the only way God Blesses

It’s time Christians became bold with the truth

We are corrupt, dying even as we live

We will get sick

Physical death has no bearing on Strength of Faith

or the Reality of God and His Kingdom Living

Miraculous Healing happens

I testify to that

But do we need signs and wonders

When we already have Him?

If not ‘healed’ am I lost forever?

Not So

I stand upon His Promise

I Accept His terms and conditions

I am in this with Him

God loves me

He asks that I love Him

And I do

I do

I really do

Therefore there must be something more to this

He says be self responsible,

Do the best you can with what you have

Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

This I have done

The rest is all Battle

From The Fall I am fractured

That rift between Creator and created

Brought corruption and decay

Jesus Christ provides a Way

He healed the rift,

His Spirit guides us through.

I don’t believe God planned this for me but He knew it was coming 

Sometimes it hurts to think God said, ‘Let it be so’

I don’t always understand

I don’t always like it

But Every day

I see deeper into God’s Love,

He weeps with me

He desires to have me in His ear,

To have Relationship with me, 

To help me Rise above

To see Life as so much Beyond this world, this realm

It blows my mind to think perhaps

He trusts my faith

Healing happens

Miraculous, earth-shaking healing does happen

And it may yet happen in me,

He has my permission to just go ahead

But there is another kind of healing


To Become Dearly Beloved

To move within this situation in spite of it

To move beyond the Imprisonment of life in flesh alone

It is Liberation of spirit in Spirit

To Walk with Him through it all

Knowing He walks with me, works with me shoulder to shoulder

Holding my hand sometimes Carrying me

And forgives me when I mess up

There is something in the Experience, in the Endurance

that cannot be explained in Words

God knows so much more than we do


Easter teaches us that

For those looking on I know its tough

But please don’t look away

Stay, sit in the mud with us sometimes

Pray for Blessings and Rejoice, 

anoint with soothing words, not sympathy – empathy

For those of us called to The Difficult Way

He hides Treasures in Darkness

He Promises that we will find them

He trusts us with the trial

As we keep our eyes on Him

As we trust Him

As we Lean in closer

Close enough to hear His whispers

We Discover

Facing the Struggle

Life is…

No longer normal

Words and Pictures © Denise Stanford 2010

 Inspired by Isaiah 45 v 3 and Chronic Illness

~ by Denise Within the Vine on 08/04/2010.

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